My baby will not ruin my Latino comedy (maybe) - by Omar

My wife and I had a baby a few months ago (don’t ask me when; what am I, your detail-keeper?). We were warned during the pregnancy, a bit late really, that having kids was a sure way to kill any comedic talent I might have cultivated over the years with LCP.

What comedian do you know that got funnier after they had kids? Bill Cosby? All right, Theo was OK, but Lisa Bonet, Vanessa, Rudy and that girl that was Rudy Lite later in the series were dead weight. Think how much funnier Bill Cosby might have been if instead of telling long-winded stories about grounding his children and making faces for the pudding-eating set he’d been riffing on banging hot chicks and doing lots of heroin? That would have been the best sitcom ever.

The thing is, people like Mical Trejo (motto: “I hate that”) gave me the same warnings before I got married, before I bought a house and before I let a man deep inside my heart. (It was Matt Saracen from “Friday Night Lights,” if you must know.)

I don’t think I lost my sense of humor just because I got older and did grown-up things. In fact, I added to my repertoire. Check this out:

Knock knock

Who’s there?

FHA loan

FHA loan who?

FHA loan at a fixed 30-year rate. Beeyatch.

See? Hilarious. I still got it.

Anyway, the reason I’m not so worried is that soon, I won’t be alone. Guillermo is having a kid any day now and knowing what I know about the ladies of LCP, I can’t imagine they won’t all be knocked up within weeks.

Trejo’s getting married next year, Nick is practically living out the sitcom Mad About You (you may not have heard of it; white people used to watch it), and I have no doubt that Adrian has a string of bastard children in every state in the Southwest.

We are Latinos (even Nick). We can’t help but have a bunch of babies. Our sperm is coated with a special adhesive that bonds to any nearby Latina egg for miles. You know those Scrubbing Bubbles from those old TV commercials that attacked everything in site? That is what our sperm acts like!

So I take comfort in the fact that I won’t be the only unfunny fucker in this comedy troupe. In fact, we’re on track to be the unfunniest group of performers since Cedric the Entertainer’s sketch show went off the air.