Circus Gratis - by Danu

There’s a saying,”Nothing in life is free,” and I’m saying, “nothing exemplifies that more than a trip to the circus.” It all started when my co-worker’s girlfriend asked me to go with her to the Shriner Circus for free. Of course, I said yes; I even offered to drive. I rolled up to her house wearing my “normal clown attire”- funny hat, striped socks, clown nose - nothing overboard by any means. It wasn’t like I was wearing clown shoes.

So, we were pumped- we could almost feel the sugar that was about to be running through our veins. We were giddy thinking about the man that gets shot out of a cannon and how cool it would be to be a cannon-man’s groupies. Awesome, riiight?

My friend had received a stack of free tickets at work. Her mission was to give away the fourteen free children’s tickets to families. So, we are in the never-ending parking line and I am leaning out the window of my car asking, “Do you have any children?” when I realize I must seem like a weird pedophile or black-market merchant and that it’d be better to wait until we were out of the car.

To my amazement, everybody already had free passes. I started to smell a scam, or animal poop, I couldn’t tell which, yet. We got up to the ticket booth and my friend had failed to read the passes- you had to purchase one full-priced adult ticket to get an adult in for free. The tickets were only $14, though- not nearly as expensive as other circuses- and I was all dressed up so we gave them our money.

Inside was amazing. Not the circus, but the demographic- there were maybe three Anglo families in the whole place; the rest were “my people!” It was like a secret society– WAIT, it was a secret society. There were colorful lighted images being projected on the ceiling in a hypnotic swirling motion. I look more closely and realize they are the symbols for the Freemasons and the Shriners.

Suddenly I was afraid–VERY afraid. Was this just a huge machine to brainwash and recruit future generations of Latinos to their groups? It sure seemed like it. Adding to my nervousness were all the children walking up to me and saying, “hello!” I was like, “why are they all talking to me?” and then my friend reminded me that I was dressed like a clown. Oh, yeah…

Speaking of clowns, they all had names like Touchy and Feely and Spanky and Splatter and Jizzy- I’m not even making this up. No wonder we grow up to fear clowns…

I guess it comes as no surprise to anyone but me that at every turn was a money-making opportunity- for the circus, not me. Parking - $5, Sneaky Admission - $14, Hot Dog - $5, Drink - $5, Cotton Candy - $3, Light Sabers - $?, Coloring Books - $?, Pony Rides - $?, Elephant Rides - $?, My Shame - Priceless. And, most of the families there had a least five kids in tow. Those Shriners are a smart lot.

My theory that this was all some “master plan” was re-enforced by the programming of the show. Since when are there Flamenco dancers at the circus? Since when is the emcee a Latino transvestite? And to top it all off they closed the show with a touching tribute to America in which they played Neil Diamond’s “They’re coming to America- today!” Have truer words ever been sung at a circus? I think not.

If you love your children- or yourself, for that matter- avoid the chance of brain-washing (or worse, molestation by Jizzy) at events like the Shriner Circus. Instead, get out your striped socks, put on a funny hat and make your own circus right in your own backyard.

Your kids will thank you for it.