Calcetines (6 pair, lo puedes creer?!)

Chones (Fruta de los Looms)

I look just like this in my chones.

Un DVD de pornos from Alemania (thanks, Chito!)

Este uh.. what do you call it… camera digital? How do you work this, mijo? It’s got chingos de buttons.

Gift card for the liquor store. ¡Todo edad!

Un Tony Romo jersey. Go Cowboys!

Leave him alone, Jessica Simpson.

A Dayplanner. Pues, que pinche fregado shit es esto?

A case of Tecate. My wife is the best. I love you, baby! Merry Holidays!

Somewhere in the woods near the magical city of Buffalo, New York a unicorn deer was discovered.

“I just wish somebody would shoot it so we’d know what that was,” Ebeling said.

Similar to the chupacabra, no one is exactly sure what “it” is; but, people do know they want to kill it. I’ve always found it fascinating that when people don’t know what something is, their first impulse is to kill it.

Other Subjects of the “Kill It” Phenomena

My holiday wish this year is for that unicorn deer to live (and for those Mexicans, too.)

Happy Holidays,

Danu

I’m ready to shell out big bucks to buy a house, have a bank ready to lend me the money, and yet no one wants to sell me a house…what’s wrong with this picture?

Seriously, I’ve had the crappiest experience with an agent/owner when I tried making an offer to buy a house. The pinche vieja was so ‘insulted’ by my offer to buy her house that she refused to give me a counter-offer, yet had the gall to ‘encourage’ me to make another. After I withdrew my offer and told her to go fuck herself, she then tells my agent that maybe it’s for the best because I probably can’t afford it anyway.

Que desgraciada, no? But as luck would have it, I found another house that I absolutely LOVE and that I will own in 3 short days…unless the mortgage broker drops the ball and doesn’t get me a lender by then. I actually got a call from my mortgage broker (who basically sells the loan to the lender willing to offer the best rates for me) who asked how not closing on the 21st would affect me. Aside from having my life on hold and cancelling Christmas to make this happen before the end of the year, it’ll pretty much eff up my life. Yes, I’m exaggerating and yes I’ll survive, but what the hell is going on!?!

I will admit this is all happening really quickly (3 weeks to be exact from the date I started looking), but when I embarked on this little stress adventure, I specifically asked the persons I dealt with whether they could get it done. The real estate agent was very nice and friendly and warned me that it depended on the title company and how quickly they could get me a clear title (they’re in charge of making sure the person claiming to own the property is the real owner, that no one else can claim the property or has superior ownership if I buy it). Well they could do it, so then it was just a matter of finding the house, entering into a contract and getting a lender. Sounds time-consuming, but doable, right? So I thought.

I run around like a pendeja for 2 weeks getting documentation together (how much I make, what my credit score is, how likely it is I’m gonna pay back the loan, etc) and trying to show these folks that I’m a sure thing and they will make money off me. This is where the confidence comes in, b/c there are a lot of people that are afraid to buy a house because they think they won’t get approved. My advice? Always know where you stand before even going into the deal. How can you do this?

Pull your credit report and check your credit! Seriously! I get so upset at how many Mexicanos have no clue and keep repeating the cycle of poverty and not moving forward because it’s too much work (I’m generalizing, I know, but all of you know which folks I’m talking about, no se hagan). Yes, you have to stop eating out all the time and only buy things you can afford. It is hard, but that sacrifice pays off. And you don’t have to be rich to get a great house.

My dad always told me that the same rules couldn’t apply to him because he was on a fixed income and didn’t get a steady paycheck, blah blah blah. Then I would remind him that his home is paid for and he just needs to stop eating out all the time and buying furniture that he can’t afford if he wants to have enough money to make it through the month. It’s called budgeting, and it’s hard as hell to do when you’re used to doing what you want with your money, but who needs money hassles?

Do you know that you can get rich no matter how much money you make? I’m getting preachy and I’ll stop myself b/c I don’t want to get a lot of hate mail just before Christmas, but I will tell you that I once almost didn’t get my license to practice law in Illinois because I had bad credit…can you believe that shit? I was so upset and blamed the system and was so angry at the coconut they assigned to lecture me and ‘mentor’ me about the problem that I almost bit my nose off to spite my face.

And I still think the guy acted like a prick, but the truth is, that was a wake up call for me and my credit worthiness. So many of us don’t care about paying stuff back b/c we think it’s not gonna affect us in the long run, but I promise you, it catches up to you. If you decide to break the cell phone contract early, if you don’t pay off that stupid little loan you got from Sun Loans, anything that can be reported to your credit report will, and that’s why some of us end up paying $25,000 for a crappy car that others paid $12,000 for, b/c we’re deemed bad credit risks, so they stick us w/higher interest rates. It’s a catch 22 and that’s how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. But don’t feel sorry for yourself and instead sacrifice now to get ahead.

What is the best revenge, after all? Being successful and getting ahead. What makes the world go round? Money. What’s the most important thing in the world? Family. Well, us Latinos already have the family part down, so why not work on the money part? Let’s get educated about finances and patience and stop worrying about keeping up with the Gonzalez’.

Before you start getting offended and think that it’s easy for me to say b/c I’m a lawyer, blah blah blah…save it. I lived it: lived on food stamps, had utilities shut down due to nonpayment, migrated to harvest crops as a way of life, spent what should’ve been my quinceanera working in the fields, and lived in a colonia in a one-room shack with no running water and borrowed electricity from the neighbors when I was in high school. But that’s the beauty of being Latinos, we have lived it and know the true meaning of sacrifice and hard work. Let’s not give up now!

We’re going to be the majority in the US in a few short years, but we still won’t be in charge until we take charge of our lives and our finances. So save your money and don’t put Christmas gifts on credit…bake cookies or something, man! Yeah, yeah, I’m full of shit…but I’m getting a house for Christmas (and baking cookies as gifts). If it comes from the heart, nothing else matters. The recipients of my ‘gifts’ may not think they’re getting a better deal, but at least they won’t be stuck w/the mortgage payment!

So what does any of this have to do with ‘Pretty Woman’? Well, when I was stressing out about the whole house thing, I felt like PW walking in to the fancy store to buy clothes and being ignored by the snobs b/c of the way she looked…I felt like taking out all the cash I DON’T usually carry in my pockets, crying and saying ‘but I’ve got all this money and nobody wants to help me!.’ BABOSOS!

Anyway, in the spirit of Christmas, take care of yourselves, don’t overspend, love one another, and be safe. Feliz Ano Nuevo…Chorizo con Huevo!!!!

VIVA LA RAZA, CHINGAO!

Ever have the feeling there’s a rat inside your face trying to claw it’s way out though your nose and eyes? I have, and it’s not as pleasant as it may sound. The feeling I am referring to is just one symptom of the common cold. There is not much else I detest more in this world than being sick.

This is what I feel like right now.

The thing is, there is nothing or no one I can blame. I work in several venues, around older people and younger people, I go to the gym (where I know people don’t wipe down their machines after using them.) I could pick up this incurable demon anywhere. From everything I have read on the subject, I’ve deduced that between 1/2 and 3/4s of people infected with cold viruses don’t show any symptoms! Since they don’t know they are capable of spreading the cold they’re carrying, they don’t take any special precautions. If the people at the gym are any realistic sampling, most people don’t even wash their hands after using the toilet.

Butt, it looks clean…

There are over 200 strains of the “cold” and there’s probably not going to be a vaccine any time soon. The things that don’t cause a cold are things like cold weather, wet feet, etc. The main correlation between cold weather and colds is dry air. Cold air ouside holds less humidity, as does the hot air from heaters inside your house. This dries out your mucous membranes which makes them more susceptible to infection. Also, keeping windows and doors tightly shut recirculates contaminated air making people more likely to breathe in contaminants.

My gift…

To you.

Now, contamination occurs from hand to hand (or phones, doorknobs, handshakes), then to his/her own eyes and nose (self-inoculation) or by droplets sprayed into the air from sneezing (which are inhaled by another person.) Viral infections can remain viable on hard surfaces up to forty-eight hours.

Just when you thought cards were safe…

This situation can be worsened still by living or working in close quarters, sharing drinks and lip balm, sharing common space and touching the same surfaces. People living in dorms are just asking for it.

Let me count the ways to infect you…

The main ways to avoid catching a cold are the following:

1. WASH YOUR HANDS! - Wash them every chance you get; it will hurt nothing and help everything (and everyone) around you. Also, for “washing” to actually be useful, you must vigorously rub your hands together. Those people that wet their hands on the way out of the bathroom make me laugh. Also, long nails are much more likely to carry germs so watch out for people with “falsies!” Liquid soap is definitely preferable to bar soap. Oh, and it doesn’t matter if it’s cold water- which surprised me- it’s just the vigorous rubbing! Now, who doesn’t like vigorous rubbing?

Just like the doctors on TV!

2. DON’T TOUCH YOUR FACE! - Every time you touch your eyes or nose or mouth, you’re potentially sticking other people’s nasties into your temple.

3. DON’T SNEEZE OR COUGH INTO YOUR HANDS! - I know this might sound weird; but, I sneeze into my shirt.

The Polite Society

I’m not a snotty sneezer, so that isnot a problem for me. I do, however have the peace of mind knowing my hands are not contaminated- just my cleavage… watch out boys! Girl cooties! Another option is aiming for your armpit. Whose in your armpit, hmmm?

4. DRINK WATER (or non-caffeinated drinks) CONSTANTLY! - Being dried out makes you much more susceptible to getting sick and caffeine dries you out -for reals!

5. EAT CABBAGE FAMILY MEMBERS! - Not people with the last name Cabbage, but items like Broccoli, cauliflower, mustard greens, kale, Brussels sprouts (I don’t like them either.) Add onions, garlic, citrus, berries, tomatoes, peppers, whole grains and seafood and you’re sure to ward off the cold better than those around you.

Eat me!

6. RELAX! - Stress will definitely lower your immune system, (you’re twice as likely to get sick when you’re stressed) so take a break (but not a smoke break because that damages the cilia in your nose and lungs which are the first line of defense against infection.) Yoga, deep breathing, T’ai chi, regular exercise, music, even bubble baths might be the thing that keeps you from getting sick.

Treat yourself well and BE well…and quit getting me sick! I have three jobs to go to!!!

Happy holidays! Or as we say in my family, “Oye, what are you getting me for Christmas?”

I’ve got three things to share with you that are absolutely essential viewing for all Latinos. Feel free to pass them on to your brown friends, like a festively colored baton. Or, you know… a bong.

The first two come from a work friend of mine. His name is Panfilo, but he goes by “Ponch.” I always thought the short version of Panfilo was “Pan,” but then I was raised in a panaderia.

Anyway, the first link is this awesome shirt that is a must buy for any videogame-addicted person on your Christmas shopping list:

It’s sold by Tchirts.com and you can buy it here. Pues, go order!

The second link I am gifting to you, all special, is this list of Hispanic superheroes on Wikipedia. That’s a long list! Did you know that many Latinos dressed up in tights and acted all heroic? I mean, outside of your family? Thanks, Ponch, for both of those sites.

The third link is one that takes me back, exactly nine year. The first year that we did LCP, we did three shows, including a Christmas production. (That was back when we were young and crazy and thought it was normal to do three whole new shows in a year.)

Anyway, the show was called “Chuy to the World: A Christmas Mex-travaganza.”

One of the sketches I wrote for that show was called “Santos Claus,” the story of the Mexican Santa Claus. It was based on my high school discussions with friends where we debated what it would be like if Santos Claus fought with the African-American Santa Claus (Kwanzaa Klaus).

Anyhoo, the sketch itself wasn’t that great, but it did feature Mical and Adrian in bright elf tights and one of my favorite exchanges ever in an LCP skit:

Santos Claus: Hey, kid, aren’t you a little old to have a moustache?

Little Boy: (Played by Rupert Reyes) It’s a birthmark!

You can read the story of Santos Claus, including the whole script, over here. Merry Christmas, vatos!

Over the years, my family has grown up, matured, gotten smarter collectively. My sister has been a great role-model throughout my life. She, being the eldest of my siblings has had to figure a lot out on her own and I, luckily, get to learn from those discoveries.

One thing my family never passed down was financial wisdom, which seems weird considering both of my Grandfathers were accountants. But, nonetheless, some of us had to learn things the hard way. Recently, my sister has taken some classes in money management. I found out when we went to have lunch together and she paid in cash. It was odd seeing her, or anybody for that matter, actually use the stuff. She is the one that really got me to understand the best thing to spend at Christmas is time, not money.

Now, I’ve never been a fan of using credit cards but even using my debit card was a denial of the process of handing over physical dollars to someone for each expenditure I made. When Christmas rolled around, I, like most of America, spent beyond my means. Then, my family made a pact. We drew names and were only allowed to buy one gift under $50 for our recipient. The idea was to make a wish list and that way everyone would end up getting one thing they actually wanted or needed.

So, no more of this…

This year, instead of drawing names at Thanksgiving, we did an online drawing. This website-

Elfster.com is making our gift exchange even more simplistic than before. This year I vowed not to step foot inside of a mall, AND I vowed not to spend more money than I planned to. In fact, I did some research of the items I was planning on buying and went to the ATM and withdrew only enough money to buy the items I planned to.

 

So easy a dog can do it!

It’s the first year I didn’t walk out with presents for myself, (which is actually a present in itself.) On top of the bad financial genes, we also inherited a clutter gene.

 

Come On-a My House

So, my mom has requested that we only get her consumable items: food, wine, bath goods; stuff she can use and enjoy and that won’t add to the clutter issue. So far, this system has worked out really well for all of us.

Here is a cool source for unusual gifts that are all under $77 and here’s another called Perpetual Kid that I love.

Limbs are yummy!

I highly recommend setting up an Amazon.com wishlist. Even if people that are shopping for you don’t dig online shopping, they can still get an idea of your preferences and find similar items at local shops.

Oh, and that reminds me- I know you can save a few bucks here and there by making your purchases at Mal-Wart and the like,

Always.

but I urge you to revive your local economy and try to find gifts at locally-owned businesses.

This man will thank you for it!

Happy Holidays to you and yours,

Danu

One of my big regrets over the last 10 years of living in Austin is that I’ve never gotten to be in “La Pastorela,” a show that is put on almost every year by several local Latino groups. A lot of our cast members have been involved in some form or fashion over the years, but usually we’re either putting on an LCP show or holiday commitments keep me on the sidelines.

Last year, I knew I wouldn’t be able to be part of the show, but I offered to help with a fundraiser the Austin Latino Theatre Alliance was putting on for “Pastorela.” They asked if I could do an LCP sketch or come perform as Uncle Pepe or anything like that. I don’t know if was guilt over my years of neglect, or just being a ham, but I offered to write an original sketch for the fundraiser. I asked Patty Arredondo, who’d been in the show for several years, and one of our writers, Raul Garza, to help.

We pulled in some other people to appear in the sketch and my brother helped put together a video to close out the sketch. I’ve always regretted that we only got to perform the piece once, for just a few dozen audience members, because we had so much fun putting it together.

So here I share the full text of the sketch (including images) with you. If you don’t like reading, you can check out one of the poster images from the sketch (below) and the video that concludes the piece: my fictional auditions for “La Pastorela” over the years.

YouTube Direkt

 

This is me before dental surgery. 

So you know how people always complain about dentists and the pain associated with them, but go anyway for whatever reason?  I know, dentists are our friends, and the idea is we should take care of our teeth…blah blah blah…  But having recently joined the ranks of those who actually go to the dentist on a regular basis, I’m beginning to wonder if I was better off before I decided to become a regular health nut. 

I really didn’t go to the dentist for years, literally, until my Mexican cousins, who are dentists, started coming to the Valley and providing dental services at a fraction of the cost.   Before you start thinking we took advantage of their generosity, keep in mind I come from a typical Mexican family where cousins number in the 3 digits and the dollar is still worth more than the peso. I can’t remember what they did to me exactly, but I’m sure it helped.  That was about ten years ago, and then I stopped going again, until last year. 

I finally went so I could get my teeth cleaned and start a regular routine.  So why didn’t I go before considering I’m so vain?  Well, as a child we just didn’t have the money to go and as an adult I’ve been getting compliments for years on my smile and my teeth, so I never really thought about it.  In fact, one friend actually asked if my teeth looked so white because I was so dark - and she was being dead serious.  I’ll forgive her b/c she never had the pleasure of shoving her tongue down my throat to learn I actually brushed my teeth regularly, but I digress.  So when I was told I had receding gumlines that would leave my teeth unprotected, I put my money where my mouth is, so to speak.

So…guess what I had done a few days ago?  An oral ‘procedure’ known as a gum graft.  This dental surgery apparently used to be very painful b/c it required a dentist to actually scrape off a piece of the gum on the roof of your mouth to attach to the receding gumline.  Sound painful?  It would’ve been if I would’ve felt it, I guess.  Luckily I got several shots to numb the pain!  Pain to numb the pain…no wonder people hate dentists.

So why did I do it?  Because apparently your gums aren’t just there to make you look pretty.  Their actual function is to protect your teeth and if your gumline starts receding you could ultimately lose your teeth!  Well, I bought that BS anyway, and now I’m out $2,000 bucks. 

You’ll tell me if I spent too much, won’t you?

My most recent fascination has become pet wigs:

Kitty wigs are real.

How people ever got those cats to not take those wigs off is a mystery to me. I do have a guess, though…sedatives. Cats have enough hair (just ask my sofas.) Why would someone think they needed more of it? These cats are just going to create unrealistic expectations of the standards of beauty that cats are already challenged to live up to.

Oh the pressure!

Dogs, too.

Next thing you know, these cats will end up just like all the Hollywood Teens whose lives were spoiled by the high-pressure lifestyle of being in the public eye.

Downward Spiral

Oh, who cares- we all know what happens to all of them in the end, anyway.

“Babies taste better.”

If you’re been to a few LCP shows over the years, you’ll notice that we’ve done a few “Best of…” shows and that there are sketches that have survived for years and years and years (sometimes to our dismay).

The reason is that it’s a lot harder than it sounds to write an hour and half of a good, original material for a brand-new show. (Nevermind the process of filming video sketches or rehearsing live stuff: it always begins with long writing meetings, revising scripts and lots of discussion and ideas.)

Sometimes, ideas for sketches float around within the group for years without ever getting written or performed. “Chola Abogada” (and similarly, “The Sign Guy”) from our most recent show, “AlienNation” is a good example. This sketch dates back at least three or four years. I don’t remember if it was while we were on tour or whether it was while we were performing “Citizen Quien?” but I remember specifically coming up with the idea while talking to JoJanie Segura. We started riffing on the idea of a bad, unprepared, floja TV lawyer who somehow wins every case.

JoJanie started doing the voice of the character, “Oye, judge… like, I object, and shit!” and the sketch practically wrote itself in my head.

Sounds easy, right? Well, I didn’t end up writing a draft of the sketch for maybe two more years. When I finally did, it was written as a filmed commercial for a fictional TV show on Si TV.

These were the opening lines:

(This is done in rapid-fire TV show-commercial promo style.)

VOICE-OVER

(Over black screen until title cards)

From the semi-acclaimed creators of Brownsville Legal –

TITLE CARD: “BROWNSVILLE LEGAL” in heavy, large type, white-text-on-black.

VOICE-OVER (CONT’D)

– and Univision’s crossover hit “LA LEY Y EL ORDEN… DE MI CORAZON” –

TITLE CARD: “LA LEY Y EL ORDEN” in same heavy script as before, but froofy pink cursive below on “… de mi corazon”.

VOICE-OVER (CONT’D)

– comes a new prime-time legal eagle.

When we started writing the sketches that would make up “AlienNation,” I brought the video version of “Chola Abogada” to the table. We read it and it got a good reaction, but it felt light on jokes while simultaneously being too long. There wasn’t a lot of characterization to Maria Villanueva, either. Most of her dialogue sounded like this:

MARIA

You see? See? Right? He didn’t do it! Riiiight?
Quien te crees, right? Riiiiiight?

Part of the problem for me, as the writer, was that JoJanie wasn’t going to be in the sketch and I had a hard time picturing anyone else doing the role, despite the talents of our actresses. The sketch went through several frustrating drafts. Other cast members shot off suggestions for jokes. An addition I’d made that would give the sketch more structure and a quick-moving story was added, taken out, then put back in. (One note that I have written on the top of a draft that still exists on Google Docs: “This draft was read on Tuesday. Working in some joke additions from 5/29 meeting — omar.”)

The biggest change we made, however, was transforming the sketch from a video to a stage production. We realized somewhere in the writing process that we had lots of video sketches and too few stage ones. We also had limited time to get all the videos we had written shot and edited. “Chola” was a sketch that seemed like it could work on stage, even though we’d never done a courtroom sketch that wasn’t a video. That scared me a little: I remember one sketch festival we went to where it seemed like every white sketch troupe had at least one silly courtroom sketch. I was worried it would just look and feel flat on stage.

Luckily the drafts of the sketch were getting better and the jokes were getting stronger. And I got very lucky in the casting of Karinna to play the character. Going a bit off of some characters Karinna has done in the past (specifically a character she played in the Teatro Humanidad show “Luminarias”) I made the character less goofy and more aggressive. We put together a voice over that Mical recorded at a studio with some video titles to give the sketch the feel of a TV show promo.

Once we were happy with a final draft, the sketch went away for me. I wasn’t in this show, so I only got to see a few rehearsals, but every time I saw the interactions of the cast members and Adrian’s direction, I got happier and happier. I was beginning to feel like the sketch, which is a goofy piece with some silly dick jokes and weird puns, was actually going to work:

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, I object.

MARIA: (Turns on PROSECUTOR) Oye! You’re an attorney, right?

PROSECUTOR: Yes.

MARIA: Pues, I’m a-’turn it around on YOU! Comprendes, Mendez?

What finally makes the sketch work on stage is how well Karinna sells the character, how quickly the sketch itself moves from scene to scene and how Nick, Mical and everyone else play their roles perfectly straight. It also contrasts nicely with the rest of the show: we have some pretty political material, some dance numbers and a lot of video in “AlienNation.” “Chola Abogada” works because it has a different tone (certainly goofier) than a lot of the rest of the material. That’s been one of the great things about writing for the group: I think we have a definite point of view as a group, but within that point of view, several different voices and comedy styles. You could go down the line and very clearly see how the sketches I write are very different from what Adrian writes and that what Adrian writes is very different from Raul, Mical, Karinna, Danu or Raul’s stuff. But they all fit in the LCP mold and putting them all together into one show makes for a good mix.

The take-aways, I guess, are not to give up on a good idea (or a moderately decent idea that can be polished later), even if it takes years to get it on stage. It also helps to know who’ll be performing what you’re writing: knowing an actor’s strengths can help you draw up better material for them. And, when in doubt, ask the group for help. We’ve gotten pretty good at injecting decent sketches with infusions of table-read suggestions and turning them into great sketches.

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