Omar's Posts | Latino Comedy Project - Puro Blogiando

Lo que Uncle Pepe got for Chrees-muss - by Uncle Pepe

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Calcetines (6 pair, lo puedes creer?!)

Chones (Fruta de los Looms)

Fruit of the Loom

I look just like this in my chones.

 

Un DVD de pornos from Alemania (thanks, Chito!)

Este uh.. what do you call it… camera digital? How do you work this, mijo? It’s got chingos de buttons.

Gift card for the liquor store. ¡Todo edad!

Un Tony Romo jersey. Go Cowboys!

Tony Romo Rules

 

Leave him alone, Jessica Simpson.

 

A Dayplanner. Pues, que pinche fregado shit es esto?

A case of Tecate. My wife is the best. I love you, baby! Merry Holidays!

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Three links that are bien good, guey - by Omar

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Happy holidays! Or as we say in my family, “Oye, what are you getting me for Christmas?”

I’ve got three things to share with you that are absolutely essential viewing for all Latinos. Feel free to pass them on to your brown friends, like a festively colored baton. Or, you know… a bong.

The first two come from a work friend of mine. His name is Panfilo, but he goes by “Ponch.” I always thought the short version of Panfilo was “Pan,” but then I was raised in a panaderia.

Anyway, the first link is this awesome shirt that is a must buy for any videogame-addicted person on your Christmas shopping list:

It’s sold by Tchirts.com and you can buy it here. Pues, go order!

The second link I am gifting to you, all special, is this list of Hispanic superheroes on Wikipedia. That’s a long list! Did you know that many Latinos dressed up in tights and acted all heroic? I mean, outside of your family? Thanks, Ponch, for both of those sites.

santosclaus.jpgThe third link is one that takes me back, exactly nine year. The first year that we did LCP, we did three shows, including a Christmas production. (That was back when we were young and crazy and thought it was normal to do three whole new shows in a year.)

Anyway, the show was called “Chuy to the World: A Christmas Mex-travaganza.”

One of the sketches I wrote for that show was called “Santos Claus,” the story of the Mexican Santa Claus. It was based on my high school discussions with friends where we debated what it would be like if Santos Claus fought with the African-American Santa Claus (Kwanzaa Klaus).

Anyhoo, the sketch itself wasn’t that great, but it did feature Mical and Adrian in bright elf tights and one of my favorite exchanges ever in an LCP skit:

Santos Claus: Hey, kid, aren’t you a little old to have a moustache?

Little Boy: (Played by Rupert Reyes) It’s a birthmark!

You can read the story of Santos Claus, including the whole script, over here. Merry Christmas, vatos!

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Pastorela sketch season - by Omar

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One of my big regrets over the last 10 years of living in Austin is that I’ve never gotten to be in “La Pastorela,” a show that is put on almost every year by several local Latino groups. A lot of our cast members have been involved in some form or fashion over the years, but usually we’re either putting on an LCP show or holiday commitments keep me on the sidelines.

Last year, I knew I wouldn’t be able to be part of the show, but I offered to help with a fundraiser the Austin Latino Theatre Alliance was putting on for “Pastorela.” They asked if I could do an LCP sketch or come perform as Uncle Pepe or anything like that. I don’t know if was guilt over my years of neglect, or just being a ham, but I offered to write an original sketch for the fundraiser. I asked Patty Arredondo, who’d been in the show for several years, and one of our writers, Raul Garza, to help.

We pulled in some other people to appear in the sketch and my brother helped put together a video to close out the sketch. I’ve always regretted that we only got to perform the piece once, for just a few dozen audience members, because we had so much fun putting it together.

So here I share the full text of the sketch (including images) with you. If you don’t like reading, you can check out one of the poster images from the sketch (below) and the video that concludes the piece: my fictional auditions for “La Pastorela” over the years.

Weekend at Selena’s


YouTube Direkt

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Anatomy of a Sketch: ‘Chola Abogada’ - by Omar

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If you’re been to a few LCP shows over the years, you’ll notice that we’ve done a few “Best of…” shows and that there are sketches that have survived for years and years and years (sometimes to our dismay).

The reason is that it’s a lot harder than it sounds to write an hour and half of a good, original material for a brand-new show. (Nevermind the process of filming video sketches or rehearsing live stuff: it always begins with long writing meetings, revising scripts and lots of discussion and ideas.)

Sometimes, ideas for sketches float around within the group for years without ever getting written or performed. “Chola Abogada” (and similarly, “The Sign Guy”) from our most recent show, “AlienNation” is a good example. This sketch dates back at least three or four years. I don’t remember if it was while we were on tour or whether it was while we were performing “Citizen Quien?” but I remember specifically coming up with the idea while talking to JoJanie Segura. We started riffing on the idea of a bad, unprepared, floja TV lawyer who somehow wins every case.

JoJanie started doing the voice of the character, “Oye, judge… like, I object, and shit!” and the sketch practically wrote itself in my head.

Sounds easy, right? Well, I didn’t end up writing a draft of the sketch for maybe two more years. When I finally did, it was written as a filmed commercial for a fictional TV show on Si TV.

These were the opening lines:

(This is done in rapid-fire TV show-commercial promo style.)

VOICE-OVER

(Over black screen until title cards)

From the semi-acclaimed creators of Brownsville Legal –

TITLE CARD: “BROWNSVILLE LEGAL” in heavy, large type, white-text-on-black.

 

Browsville Legal

VOICE-OVER (CONT’D)

– and Univision’s crossover hit “LA LEY Y EL ORDEN… DE MI CORAZON” –

TITLE CARD: “LA LEY Y EL ORDEN” in same heavy script as before, but froofy pink cursive below on “… de mi corazon”.

La Ley y El Orden

VOICE-OVER (CONT’D)

– comes a new prime-time legal eagle.

Maria Villañueva

 

When we started writing the sketches that would make up “AlienNation,” I brought the video version of “Chola Abogada” to the table. We read it and it got a good reaction, but it felt light on jokes while simultaneously being too long. There wasn’t a lot of characterization to Maria Villanueva, either. Most of her dialogue sounded like this:

MARIA

You see? See? Right? He didn’t do it! Riiiight?
Quien te crees, right? Riiiiiight?

Part of the problem for me, as the writer, was that JoJanie wasn’t going to be in the sketch and I had a hard time picturing anyone else doing the role, despite the talents of our actresses. The sketch went through several frustrating drafts. Other cast members shot off suggestions for jokes. An addition I’d made that would give the sketch more structure and a quick-moving story was added, taken out, then put back in. (One note that I have written on the top of a draft that still exists on Google Docs: “This draft was read on Tuesday. Working in some joke additions from 5/29 meeting — omar.”)

The biggest change we made, however, was transforming the sketch from a video to a stage production. We realized somewhere in the writing process that we had lots of video sketches and too few stage ones. We also had limited time to get all the videos we had written shot and edited. “Chola” was a sketch that seemed like it could work on stage, even though we’d never done a courtroom sketch that wasn’t a video. That scared me a little: I remember one sketch festival we went to where it seemed like every white sketch troupe had at least one silly courtroom sketch. I was worried it would just look and feel flat on stage.

Luckily the drafts of the sketch were getting better and the jokes were getting stronger. And I got very lucky in the casting of Karinna to play the character. Going a bit off of some characters Karinna has done in the past (specifically a character she played in the Teatro Humanidad show “Luminarias”) I made the character less goofy and more aggressive. We put together a voice over that Mical recorded at a studio with some video titles to give the sketch the feel of a TV show promo.

Once we were happy with a final draft, the sketch went away for me. I wasn’t in this show, so I only got to see a few rehearsals, but every time I saw the interactions of the cast members and Adrian’s direction, I got happier and happier. I was beginning to feel like the sketch, which is a goofy piece with some silly dick jokes and weird puns, was actually going to work:

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, I object.

MARIA: (Turns on PROSECUTOR) Oye! You’re an attorney, right?

PROSECUTOR: Yes.

MARIA: Pues, I’m a-’turn it around on YOU! Comprendes, Mendez?

 

What finally makes the sketch work on stage is how well Karinna sells the character, how quickly the sketch itself moves from scene to scene and how Nick, Mical and everyone else play their roles perfectly straight. It also contrasts nicely with the rest of the show: we have some pretty political material, some dance numbers and a lot of video in “AlienNation.” “Chola Abogada” works because it has a different tone (certainly goofier) than a lot of the rest of the material. That’s been one of the great things about writing for the group: I think we have a definite point of view as a group, but within that point of view, several different voices and comedy styles. You could go down the line and very clearly see how the sketches I write are very different from what Adrian writes and that what Adrian writes is very different from Raul, Mical, Karinna, Danu or Raul’s stuff. But they all fit in the LCP mold and putting them all together into one show makes for a good mix.

The take-aways, I guess, are not to give up on a good idea (or a moderately decent idea that can be polished later), even if it takes years to get it on stage. It also helps to know who’ll be performing what you’re writing: knowing an actor’s strengths can help you draw up better material for them. And, when in doubt, ask the group for help. We’ve gotten pretty good at injecting decent sketches with infusions of table-read suggestions and turning them into great sketches.

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Other Names by Which ‘El Cucuy’ Has Been Known Through History - by Omar

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El Cucuy

THE Cucuy

The Boogeyman

The insect-like “Boogeymantis”

Dad Stumbling Around at Night, Drunk

Adolf Hitlurker

Baron Cu von Cuy

La Llorona, Pre-Op

Genghis Khancuy

The Demon of Cuy High Harmony

Emperor Hirojoto

Cucuy Ka Joo

Richard B. Cheney

Jaime the Ripper

El Abueladaños

Sir Lancelobo

The Chupacabrones

Yahtzee the Nazi

Goblin Dick

Q’xctldactyl

 

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Thanksgivings from Uncle Pepe on los Webs - by Uncle Pepe

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Hey, mijo! I finally got this computer chingona to work.

Oye, this Internet is purty good. I saw a picture of a goat doing it with a señora from Germany. Pues, I think it was a goat.

Anyway, mijo, I know you don’t have time to visit me and your Tia on Thanksgivings. I know you’re busy with your blackberries and your Warcrafts y todo eso fregado.

Pero, don’t forgot — your Tio has a lot of good advice. I’ve been around a long time and I’ve seen a lot of pendejo shit. Like this one time, your dad and I went to Boystown and we met a hairless, toothless puta named Conchita. And your dad didn’t think she was worth the $10, but it was getting late and we were pretty drunk, so we… oye, your mom doesn’t know how to get on los blogs, right? Pues, chingado, I can’t even check because este pinche dial up takes for ever.

Toothless, Hairless. Close enough

What I was trying to tell you, mijo, is that even though you’re not coming over to eat your Tía’s Tecate Stuffing or to come watch los Cowboys aquí, we’ll be thinking about you. También when that Tony Romo throws como five touchdowns and I jump up and down y screaming y calling your papá to tell him que Troy Aikman sucks y que he’s gay. You’re gonna miss it, niño.


There’s gonna be a lot of Tecate.

Hey, are you still dating that girl that had the tattoo down close to her nalga crack? Of ese dolphin? Ay, mijo — I told her to help your Tía get all the pots and pans out of the cabinets because of my arthritises, pero it was so I could see her stretch her asscrack. Remember when I went to the bathroom right after that for a while? I had to take care of business, like esos Bachman Turner Overdrives. Are you still con esa girl? You should bring her over to the house again.

Pues, mijo, I just wanted to drop you un blog aquí. We’ll save you some turkey y can de cranberries for after Día del Turkey. Maybe you can show me how to use estos Facebooks y Myspaces. This guy at work told me there’s lots of girls with their chi-chis all over los webcams on those webs.

Bad girls, mijo

Girls like this! ¡Dios mío!

Hasta Chreesmas, mijo. See you at the barbecue. How do I print this so you can read it?

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The Chupa-Ex-bra - by Omar

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If you’re white, you may not have heard, but among Latinos, the news traveled swiftly last week, via e-mail, pre-paid phone call and carrier mosquito: the Chupacabra, at long last, was dead.

In fact, it wasn’t even a mythical creature. It was a hairless coyote. Not even a real coyote: this was just a kind of dog, not the guy in the big truck who brought your cousins across the border for a fee.

 

Suddenly, it was safe to let your goats play outside again. Goats could take walks at night in the park. Goats parking at a romantic, dark cove on a Saturday night, no longer had to worry about a hook-bearing goat-sucker killing them both.

Would that I could be so happy.

Since the news broke, I’ve felt sick and guilty, ashamed and afraid. But I think I’m ready to come forward. I think it’s time I was honest.

Before I met my wife, in the wild, debauched time after I moved to Austin… I dated a hairless coyote.

I never suspected. I never knew. When I heard that she was a “Wild goatsucker,” I just thought she was just a freak in bed. And you know what? She totally was.

When I started seeing the news stories, I wondered if it was my hairless coyote. Sheila? Is that you? Could it be? After all this time?

Sadly, it’s her. That dried up, curled tongue is unmistakable. I can never forget all those times we made out, listening to Enigma.

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to learn what made her go out and kill all those goats.

All those angry farmers, all those frightened goats. They never knew my girl.

RIP, Sheila.

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My baby will not ruin my Latino comedy (maybe) - by Omar

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My wife and I had a baby a few months ago (don’t ask me when; what am I, your detail-keeper?). We were warned during the pregnancy, a bit late really, that having kids was a sure way to kill any comedic talent I might have cultivated over the years with LCP.

What comedian do you know that got funnier after they had kids? Bill Cosby? All right, Theo was OK, but Lisa Bonet, Vanessa, Rudy and that girl that was Rudy Lite later in the series were dead weight. Think how much funnier Bill Cosby might have been if instead of telling long-winded stories about grounding his children and making faces for the pudding-eating set he’d been riffing on banging hot chicks and doing lots of heroin? That would have been the best sitcom ever.

The thing is, people like Mical Trejo (motto: “I hate that”) gave me the same warnings before I got married, before I bought a house and before I let a man deep inside my heart. (It was Matt Saracen from “Friday Night Lights,” if you must know.)

I don’t think I lost my sense of humor just because I got older and did grown-up things. In fact, I added to my repertoire. Check this out:

Knock knock

Who’s there?

FHA loan

FHA loan who?

FHA loan at a fixed 30-year rate. Beeyatch.

See? Hilarious. I still got it.

Anyway, the reason I’m not so worried is that soon, I won’t be alone. Guillermo is having a kid any day now and knowing what I know about the ladies of LCP, I can’t imagine they won’t all be knocked up within weeks.

Scrubbing bubbles

Trejo’s getting married next year, Nick is practically living out the sitcom Mad About You (you may not have heard of it; white people used to watch it), and I have no doubt that Adrian has a string of bastard children in every state in the Southwest.

We are Latinos (even Nick). We can’t help but have a bunch of babies. Our sperm is coated with a special adhesive that bonds to any nearby Latina egg for miles. You know those Scrubbing Bubbles from those old TV commercials that attacked everything in site? That is what our sperm acts like!

So I take comfort in the fact that I won’t be the only unfunny fucker in this comedy troupe. In fact, we’re on track to be the unfunniest group of performers since Cedric the Entertainer’s sketch show went off the air.

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