I’m ready to shell out big bucks to buy a house, have a bank ready to lend me the money, and yet no one wants to sell me a house…what’s wrong with this picture?

Seriously, I’ve had the crappiest experience with an agent/owner when I tried making an offer to buy a house. The pinche vieja was so ‘insulted’ by my offer to buy her house that she refused to give me a counter-offer, yet had the gall to ‘encourage’ me to make another. After I withdrew my offer and told her to go fuck herself, she then tells my agent that maybe it’s for the best because I probably can’t afford it anyway.

Que desgraciada, no? But as luck would have it, I found another house that I absolutely LOVE and that I will own in 3 short days…unless the mortgage broker drops the ball and doesn’t get me a lender by then. I actually got a call from my mortgage broker (who basically sells the loan to the lender willing to offer the best rates for me) who asked how not closing on the 21st would affect me. Aside from having my life on hold and cancelling Christmas to make this happen before the end of the year, it’ll pretty much eff up my life. Yes, I’m exaggerating and yes I’ll survive, but what the hell is going on!?!

I will admit this is all happening really quickly (3 weeks to be exact from the date I started looking), but when I embarked on this little stress adventure, I specifically asked the persons I dealt with whether they could get it done. The real estate agent was very nice and friendly and warned me that it depended on the title company and how quickly they could get me a clear title (they’re in charge of making sure the person claiming to own the property is the real owner, that no one else can claim the property or has superior ownership if I buy it). Well they could do it, so then it was just a matter of finding the house, entering into a contract and getting a lender. Sounds time-consuming, but doable, right? So I thought.

I run around like a pendeja for 2 weeks getting documentation together (how much I make, what my credit score is, how likely it is I’m gonna pay back the loan, etc) and trying to show these folks that I’m a sure thing and they will make money off me. This is where the confidence comes in, b/c there are a lot of people that are afraid to buy a house because they think they won’t get approved. My advice? Always know where you stand before even going into the deal. How can you do this?

Pull your credit report and check your credit! Seriously! I get so upset at how many Mexicanos have no clue and keep repeating the cycle of poverty and not moving forward because it’s too much work (I’m generalizing, I know, but all of you know which folks I’m talking about, no se hagan). Yes, you have to stop eating out all the time and only buy things you can afford. It is hard, but that sacrifice pays off. And you don’t have to be rich to get a great house.

My dad always told me that the same rules couldn’t apply to him because he was on a fixed income and didn’t get a steady paycheck, blah blah blah. Then I would remind him that his home is paid for and he just needs to stop eating out all the time and buying furniture that he can’t afford if he wants to have enough money to make it through the month. It’s called budgeting, and it’s hard as hell to do when you’re used to doing what you want with your money, but who needs money hassles?

Do you know that you can get rich no matter how much money you make? I’m getting preachy and I’ll stop myself b/c I don’t want to get a lot of hate mail just before Christmas, but I will tell you that I once almost didn’t get my license to practice law in Illinois because I had bad credit…can you believe that shit? I was so upset and blamed the system and was so angry at the coconut they assigned to lecture me and ‘mentor’ me about the problem that I almost bit my nose off to spite my face.

And I still think the guy acted like a prick, but the truth is, that was a wake up call for me and my credit worthiness. So many of us don’t care about paying stuff back b/c we think it’s not gonna affect us in the long run, but I promise you, it catches up to you. If you decide to break the cell phone contract early, if you don’t pay off that stupid little loan you got from Sun Loans, anything that can be reported to your credit report will, and that’s why some of us end up paying $25,000 for a crappy car that others paid $12,000 for, b/c we’re deemed bad credit risks, so they stick us w/higher interest rates. It’s a catch 22 and that’s how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. But don’t feel sorry for yourself and instead sacrifice now to get ahead.

What is the best revenge, after all? Being successful and getting ahead. What makes the world go round? Money. What’s the most important thing in the world? Family. Well, us Latinos already have the family part down, so why not work on the money part? Let’s get educated about finances and patience and stop worrying about keeping up with the Gonzalez’.

Before you start getting offended and think that it’s easy for me to say b/c I’m a lawyer, blah blah blah…save it. I lived it: lived on food stamps, had utilities shut down due to nonpayment, migrated to harvest crops as a way of life, spent what should’ve been my quinceanera working in the fields, and lived in a colonia in a one-room shack with no running water and borrowed electricity from the neighbors when I was in high school. But that’s the beauty of being Latinos, we have lived it and know the true meaning of sacrifice and hard work. Let’s not give up now!

We’re going to be the majority in the US in a few short years, but we still won’t be in charge until we take charge of our lives and our finances. So save your money and don’t put Christmas gifts on credit…bake cookies or something, man! Yeah, yeah, I’m full of shit…but I’m getting a house for Christmas (and baking cookies as gifts). If it comes from the heart, nothing else matters. The recipients of my ‘gifts’ may not think they’re getting a better deal, but at least they won’t be stuck w/the mortgage payment!

So what does any of this have to do with ‘Pretty Woman’? Well, when I was stressing out about the whole house thing, I felt like PW walking in to the fancy store to buy clothes and being ignored by the snobs b/c of the way she looked…I felt like taking out all the cash I DON’T usually carry in my pockets, crying and saying ‘but I’ve got all this money and nobody wants to help me!.’ BABOSOS!

Anyway, in the spirit of Christmas, take care of yourselves, don’t overspend, love one another, and be safe. Feliz Ano Nuevo…Chorizo con Huevo!!!!

VIVA LA RAZA, CHINGAO!

 

This is me before dental surgery. 

So you know how people always complain about dentists and the pain associated with them, but go anyway for whatever reason?  I know, dentists are our friends, and the idea is we should take care of our teeth…blah blah blah…  But having recently joined the ranks of those who actually go to the dentist on a regular basis, I’m beginning to wonder if I was better off before I decided to become a regular health nut. 

I really didn’t go to the dentist for years, literally, until my Mexican cousins, who are dentists, started coming to the Valley and providing dental services at a fraction of the cost.   Before you start thinking we took advantage of their generosity, keep in mind I come from a typical Mexican family where cousins number in the 3 digits and the dollar is still worth more than the peso. I can’t remember what they did to me exactly, but I’m sure it helped.  That was about ten years ago, and then I stopped going again, until last year. 

I finally went so I could get my teeth cleaned and start a regular routine.  So why didn’t I go before considering I’m so vain?  Well, as a child we just didn’t have the money to go and as an adult I’ve been getting compliments for years on my smile and my teeth, so I never really thought about it.  In fact, one friend actually asked if my teeth looked so white because I was so dark - and she was being dead serious.  I’ll forgive her b/c she never had the pleasure of shoving her tongue down my throat to learn I actually brushed my teeth regularly, but I digress.  So when I was told I had receding gumlines that would leave my teeth unprotected, I put my money where my mouth is, so to speak.

So…guess what I had done a few days ago?  An oral ‘procedure’ known as a gum graft.  This dental surgery apparently used to be very painful b/c it required a dentist to actually scrape off a piece of the gum on the roof of your mouth to attach to the receding gumline.  Sound painful?  It would’ve been if I would’ve felt it, I guess.  Luckily I got several shots to numb the pain!  Pain to numb the pain…no wonder people hate dentists.

So why did I do it?  Because apparently your gums aren’t just there to make you look pretty.  Their actual function is to protect your teeth and if your gumline starts receding you could ultimately lose your teeth!  Well, I bought that BS anyway, and now I’m out $2,000 bucks. 

You’ll tell me if I spent too much, won’t you?

Why are you wasting your time reading this blog? Well, if you insist, then let me tell you a little about myself. I’m Mexican-American, morena, and a self-described hot Latina. Don’t hate, learn from this.

Oh yes, I’m one of the lucky ones that didn’t grow up hating my skin color and thinking I was ugly b/c I was dark. You see, growing up in South Texas a few decades ago and being morena/prieta was not a good combo. I’m from the Rio Grande Valley, which borders Mexico, where people were too busy trying to separate themselves from the ‘mojados’ - including some relatives who were, funny enough, from Mexico. Now don’t think this affliction is limited to border towns, because if history has taught us anything, it’s that the darker your skin, the more unwanted you are.

So I heard it all, from Blackie in middle school, to ‘hurraca negra’ (translation = black crow) from some pendejo a few years ago whose wife I represented when I practiced family law in the Valley. And yes, that pendejo was darker than me, and as delusional as the rest of ‘em, but that’s for another time and another blog.

So how the hell did I become so damn confident? Well, I was always smart in school, had my own little clique in elementary and was a fast runner, so I got praised for those things. The irony of all this? When I moved to different states I always got a lot of praise from white teachers who probably didn’t expect this from a ’Mexican’ migrant farmworker, so in expecting less of me and expressing their surprise in the form of praise, they created a monster! But enough about me, let’s get to the topic at hand.

So I was really excited b/c I had this audition for Friday Night Lights today for a microscopic role that you’ll miss if you blink! It’s a mere two lines as a hospital receptionist and chances are slim to none that I’ll get it, so ask me why I’m so excited? Because I don’t have to speak it with an accent and I get to be American - I think it’s called art imitating life ;)! So why does a receptionist role thrill me when I’m a professional in ‘real life’ and many would regard this as a step down?

Because they didn’t want me to audition as a stereotype, just as a regular person - no accent required. I have auditioned for two really popular shows airing on national television and one big budget movie starring Drew Barrymore, all of which have required me to either have an accent or be a prostitute. Now don’t get me wrong, practicing my accent and flashing some skin helps me hone my craft, but enough already! BTW, I almost landed the Panamanian prostitute role, and was thrilled at the thought. Hilarious, huh?

Speaking of…today I was chatting with an actor who was auditioning for FNL as well, and got yet another dose of reality. He starts complaining about auditioning for a dad role, as opposed to the usual lawyer/doctor roles he reads for, and is embarrassed to admit he’s not up for the CEO role. So I tell him that at least he doesn’t have to audition as a prostitute or with an accent for a role.  His response?   ‘Well, it is what it is’…what the F*&% is that!?!

Does anyone see the humor in all this? I couldn’t stop smiling and couldn’t wait to get out of there so I could make fun of this idiot out loud. Did I mention he’s an airline flight attendant who later wanted me to give him advice about his 18 yr-old-son who had a ‘hard’ life?

What do I say to that? Well, it is what it is.